Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Sunday, November 18, 2012


There is so much unknown about Ruby's first 6 years of life.
And I think that is where it starts to get rough.
Because there have been so many times where we 
just do not know how to help her.
Bloodcurdling yells when in the bathroom,
shaking and shivering around the toilet,
demonstrating things that make us question exactly what she endured. 
It is heart breaking, gut wrenching, mind blowing hard.

And as much as we focus on the positive...
well, there is a whole lot of negative.

Yet, this is the path we walk..
And we don't expect to see the clearing for quite a while.
Still we pray that in the meantime, God sends us little rays of hope.

Meanwhile this road is really dark.
It is all consuming.
And with no end in sight...
At times, it threatens to tear us up.

There are days I feel incompetent.
God is taking me to new grounds...
where I will be completely broken.
Where I am on my knees
begging mercy for this child.

He makes all things new.
And when we are right on the brink
of falling apart
He restores us.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better

"But He said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.' 
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
about my weaknesses, 
so that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

When Ruby first came home it was an extremely difficult couple days.
Followed by an easy few weeks. 
We settled into a routine. 
She made huge progress. 
And then it went downhill. 

It soon became clear to us that Ruby was able to speak some English.
We would hear her talking in her room.
And yet, she withheld it from us.
She refused  to speak.
She stopped using the sign language she had learned.
She refused to communicate her needs in any way.

We knew she could dress herself.
We knew she could feed herself.
And for a while she stopped doing both.
She did not differentiate between family and strangers...
She knew no difference.

Slowly, she has been learning.
And that means little things...crying and laughing....
Neither of which she did when she first came home.
She never showed emotion.
She did not know what affection was.

It took us a while to realize that Ruby was dissociating
with the world around her by using a sock, cloth, or any other
small object to regress into her own world.
We figure it was an escape she used while in the orphanage.
Once we forbid her from depending on these, her personality flourished.

She did not know how to interact with children.
She did not know how to play.
Essentially, she had failed at knowing how to be a little girl.
And so we started from the ground up.

It very quickly became a lonely road.

It is so difficult to understand the process unless you have walked it.

She had so many walls built up around her.
And as a means of coping, we began to build walls around us.

We knew what she was capable of.
We knew what she had been through.
And we walked a fine line of trying to nurture both.

Our parenting had to become the most rigid...the most consistent.
We could not break, we could not bend.
And for 3 months, that has consumed us.

This week, we've watched God tear down walls.

This week Ruby let us hug her...
really hug her.
We have watched a light in her eyes that has not been there.
We watched her play...
really play.
And we've watched her struggle with this battle...
whether to let us in or not.
There have been moments where I could actually
see this fight in her.

And then, today, God's grace and mercy rained down on us...
Ruby was playing and she tripped.
She broke down in tears.
A normal, child reaction.
And for the first time, when I went to comfort her...
her body relaxed.
She sighed.

It was as though the weight of 6 years had been lifted.

My heart broke and I was in tears.
I could see in her eyes that something clicked.

She trusted.

And I was reminded...
that the beauty...
the joy
of this journey
And that God's hope
is very real
and very present
in our life.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Adoption- The Hard Parts

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid,
but gives us power, love, and self discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7

No one really tells you about the hard part of adoption.
There are days where I have felt like I have run a marathon.
It can be draining, consuming, lonely.

But it is also the most fulfilling.
Seeing a child transform before your eyes.
Relying only on God to carry you through.

And knowing that...
He doesn't just bring us here. 
He meets us here.

Monday, October 15, 2012

New Beginnings

"But He gives us more grace..."
James 4:6

When I look back over the last few weeks...that is what stands out the most.
When we were on our hands and knees...
He gave us more grace.
The first day Ruby came home, she spit over a hundred times(yes, I counted). 
Her first greeting was to pull my hair. 
She was wild...untamed. She had never had boundaries. 
Or love.
How do you transform a child like this?

"And hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured His love
into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,
whom He has given us." 
Romans 5:5

Life has seeped back into her eyes.
I don't know how she does it.
When so much has been taken away from her in her short life...
And yet, she has learned to trust.
And love. 

I continue to be amazed at how God can use even the smallest...
the weakest...
to transform our own lives.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

One Month

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, 
coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows."
James 1:17

One month home and she amazes us still.

We have made huge progress in this one month. At home, we can go most days without a time out.

She makes eye contact, she smiles, she interacts.

She cries, she laughs, she talks, she signs. She shows preference for people that she knows.

And everyday she is growing more and more.

She has gained over 9 pounds. And the little girl who once only ate cucumbers and tomatoes, now loves everything. Pizza, ice cream, spaghetti. And chocolate...the girl loves her chocolate.

I cannot imagine life without her. And I often forget that she traveled across the world to live here.

We are so very thankful for this child. It was all worth it....

Monday, September 17, 2012


"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, 
some are strong at the broken places."

This child is deserving...

She is worthy.

6 years unloved and unwanted.

She is a daughter and sister now..

She is so loved.

And we are her voice.

I am learning humility on this journey. 

God is teaching me to love fiercely...with reckless abandon.

To take notice a bit more.

To be conscious...

Or maybe, more importantly, conscientious.

And to savor the little things.

Kind words and smiles...go a long, long way.

And as we press on, He is breaking me...

In ways that are hard and painstaking... 

To open my eyes on a new level.

Glory to Him.

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." 
2 Corinthians 11:30